It’s all good.  It’s all perfect.  It’s hashtag blessed.  It’s hustle harder. It’s pats on the back, likes on the post, checking off goals, I’m so proud of you’s and you’re rockin’ it girl.  It’s a pressure chamber and it burst.

Today, I am sharing a raw, in the moment battle I am waging against anxiety and depression.  My pictures sure are pretty but behind that Wythe Blue front door, you’ll find a mess.  

First The Pain

I am no stranger to the teenage meltdowns, quarter-life anxiety crisis, and mommy blues.  However, in the fall of 2017, I find myself on a couch with feelings that are different, heavier, paralyzing.  It’s so much, it’s too hard, I want to run away, they’ll be better off without me.  What I thought I beat with a few books, counseling sessions and regulating my hormones came back with a vengeance this August.  

At the risk of terrifying my husband, in a matter-of-fact tone, I said it all out loud.  I spewed every dark thought of despair. Not two weeks later I was sitting on a couch with my mom telling her the hand–to–heart truth about the demons I’ve been wrestling.

These thoughts are scarier in the dark, hopeless, intrusive.  The facade starts to melt when these feelings are mixed with a cocktail of perfectionism and pressure.  The seams tear and those tiny cracks turn into massive craters.

Then The Rising

Once I claimed them from the darkness in one exhalation, I was freed. I felt the weight, walked into the shame, and turned around and shut the damn door on it.  

There’s a chance today’s readers may judge me, feel sorry for me, think less of me, heck, even unfollow me.  I am accepting the challenge of that fear because of the chance there is one other mom and wife who googles “mom who wants to run away from it all“, she will find this.  She will find hope. She will know that she is not alone.

I will stand in her doorway, turn her around and tell her there is no ripped seam you can’t repair, no crater you can’t cross and that melted facade is your rebirth.

“Tell Someone It’s Going To Be A Good Day”

-Kate Spade

Kate Spade’s tragic passing wrecked me.  Someone, a creative no less, who commanded her audience to “leave a little sparkle wherever she goes” “be happy, be bright, be you” and “live colorfully” but then left the world in the complete antithesis of the bold movement she created.  I hope today’s post serves as yet another reminder that you never know the path someone is walking along at any given time.

The world of blogging and social media can be a creative community of empowerment, but it can also be where the devil steals your soul and your self-worth is called into question by @suzyq543 in Nowheresville, USA.  

Back to Basics

I didn’t even know these were the words you would read today.  It’s safer to hide them behind the perfect post about frilly things that assuage the pain. But that’s not why you’re here and it’s not why I created this platform.   

I am turning my mess into my message.  On the About Me page, I boast how you can “expect the no BS’in real talk of a girlfriend.”  This is me in all of my imperfect, unstyled glory.     

I forgot how talented I am at some things until I revisited the old blog posts featured on Monday.  I forgot this is supposed to be fun.  From the privilege of being home with my babies to blogging about fashion and DIY projects.  

I am so proud of the goals I set and accomplished in the last 6 months, yet it’s not as important as sharing my best DIY hacks, styling tips and most importantly, my heart.  I can promise you one thing about this blog, it will be driven with passion and purpose.

Are You Okay?

The last time we talked, my mom asked, “are you okay?”   I have the grace of God on my side, the literal action of my vows playing out by my husband and three sweet ones that tell me “you’re the best mama ever.” I’m going to be okay, I am going to be more than okay.

Are you okay?  Do you need a reminder that you are worthy, you are the best ever?  Please know that you can always reach out to me.

Thank you so much for reading today and whenever you visit Ooh La Laura.  

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Disclaimer:

While I have been diagnosed with anxiety in the past, I have never been professionally diagnosed with depression.  This is simply my account of struggling with depression adjacent thoughts and feelings. 
If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please seek immediate assistance.  There is always someone that cares, someone to call, and some way out of despair.

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